Tell it to St. Peter 

Um, George. I really had nothing to do with your election. I was tied up that day helping out Hillary.

Oh Lord, Oh God, how else to explain this wondrous event? If it wasn't you after all, who could have possibly put the fix in?

 

 
---Heh, heh, heh, heh

George, Repeat after me. War is bad. War is bad. War is bad.

But God, you like war! What about Jericho? And Sodom and Gomorrah?

Jericho! Sodom and Gomorrah! You think I had something to do with those masacares!?

But it was in the bible, it was... You mean it was ....

God, since I'm the most powerful leader of the  Western world, it is my awesome responsibility to curb that treacherous Saddam Hussein. By whatever means necessary. And I mean it.

The most powerful leader in the Western world. Who says you're the most powerful leader in the Western world? 

I've got the largest army, the most lethal weapons and the biggest budget. By every measure I am the most powerful. 

For a born again, you don't  take my words in the New Testament very seriously. 
Remember what I said about Peter being the rock of my church? I'm not interested in secular power. My main man's in Rome . 

Now, repeat after me: War is bad. War is bad. War is bad. 

God, I apologize for thinking I was the most powerful man in the Western world. What must I do to understand your will more fully? 

George, in order to know me more fully, and understand what I expect of you, you must listen for me in your heart.

Okay...I'm listening Lord... I am  listening... I am still listening....But, you know, Lord, I can't hear you...Maybe you could speak up a little... Or how about you give me a sign? 

Good thinking. Let's see. Millions of people protesting your actions, the loss of nearly all your allied support, and a raging deficit. Will that work for you, George?

Lord, I don't see why you're making such a big deal about this little ennie, meenie war. Cheney has assured me that it will only take a week or so.

You know, George, I can see into the future, and you can't.

I know. But Cheney says he can see into the future, too. So do Rumsfeld and Wolfie. Hey, maybe they're one of your prophets? You work with those guys? Dick Cheney, C-h-a-n-y... Cheney. He says he talks to you all the time.

Actually, he does. But he won't listen to me. So George, do me a favor, tell him for me, he's been wrong about everything since 1963. One other thing, George. Tell him when people find out about the fix on the Haliburton's Defense contract, there's going to be hell to pay...so to speak.

Mr. Cheney! Hey, Mr. Cheney can I interrupt your thoughts for a moment? ...There are some, that is, there might be some problems with that Haliburton thingie...

Problems? Says who?

God! He's been talking to me.

God? Is Rumsfeld bothering you again?

Oh No, Mr. Cheney, it's really God. The God. The Big G.

George, George, George. You can fool some of the people some of the time. But you can't pull the wool over this Dick boy's eyes... ever. And don't try.

But, Dick, really. God's been talking to me. He said you've been wrong about everything since 1963.  He said the Halliburton thingie was going to be a problem, too.

Ha! What problem? That cat's already in the bag. And Perle's going to get a big pay off with the Trireme contract to boot. What's the big deal? 

George, this is where you might want to mention Christian piety. Also, I would not be adverse to a short conversation on hell and damnation.

Well, Mr. Cheney, God said there might be a problem with that. He mentioned Hell and Damnation. But I don't think it's anything personal

                                 

Hell and damnation, for me? Who does this guy think he is?

God. Did I mention he said you were wrong about everything since 1963?

You mentioned that. So how is this God guy connected to the Clintons?

Jesus Christ! The French are driving me crazy! They refuse to sign on to my war plan. Goddamnit , can't we do something about this!

Pourquoi? (why?)

God? Is that you? What did you say God?

S'il vous plaît fermer en haut (Please shut up)

I can't understand a word you are saying anymore, God. I tried to listen in my heart and I couldn't hear anything. Then, when I listened with my head it sounded like you were speaking French . Are you French, God?

       

Mais bien sûr je suis français. J'aime les Français. L'anglais a été les problème du début à la fin.

(But of course I am French. I love the French. The English have been the problem all along.)

God? If that's you, oh boy, have I got a confession to make. You won't like this God. In Texas we'd call it a whopper . I...I...I started the war.

 

La guerre est mauvaise, George. ..And vous êtes idiot.
(War is bad George...and you are an idiot)

Boy, am I glad I have no idea what you're saying.

It's beautiful, don't you think God? 'Shock and awe' is what we call it. Mr. Cheney says it's great. He even smiles when he talks about it.

Well, we had to liberate those poor Iraqis from the unspeakable evil of Saddam Hussein, even if it means murdering all of them and taking their oil from them until they learn how to use it wisely. At least, that what Mr. Cheney and Mr. Perle say.

Also, God.... just between you and me... They are not like me, at all. For one thing, most of them are much darker than I am, and also, they are, you know,  Abaric . I am white, on the other hand. Also, thanks to you, God,  I come from money... and Yale! 

From:  Satan, Queen of the Damned

To: George Bush

March 28th, 2003

Dear George,

Let me take a moment to personally thank you for your efforts on my behalf.

Before you arrived on the international scene, I could only count on a miserly handful of minions to carry out my awesome deeds of destruction and chaos. Mr. Saddam Hussein availed himself, of course, as did Kim Jong-il , but let's face it, these guys were light weights.

George, I believe from the depths of my malevolent heart that you are the real thing.

For centuries I have been busy sowing discord and strive. I had a couple of big wins. All the way up through World War I went most excellently, and I must say there were times during WW II when I had the human race by the short hairs--specifically, of course, I'm referring to the Nazi death camps, the Dresden fire bombings, Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

But then the human race began to organize itself in a relatively civilized manner and my influence waned. Dramatically, you might say. All hope was almost lost until you came along.

In less than two years you have managed to turn around my entire enterprise! Kudos! George. I could not have done it without you.

As an expression of my deep gratitude I am making preparations for your eternal damnation even as we speak. Now, I don't want you to get too anxious as there are lots of folks ahead of you--Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Richard Perle, Paul Wolfowitz, Condoleezza Rice and possibly Colin Powell (we're still in negotiations with God on that soul--it's a tough call), but be patient and your time will come. To give you a taste of the glorious victory you are winning here are some photos fans of yours have gathered together. Enjoy!

> And again George, thanks.

All the best,
Satan

This brilliant image of suffering could never have occurred without your vigorous efforts, George. 

Spectacular in its horror are the results of your awesome liberation campaign! Thanks, George!

Of course, the psychological effects of bombing, your brilliant strategy of 'shock and awe' has infuriated and disgusted an entire world. Who knows the resultant chaos and horrors that will result? Kudos, George!

So the world doesn't forget who made all of this possible, the sheep like people of your country who allowed themselves to be herded into a war through your bold leadership. George, I can't wait until we can get together and have a really chummy talk about all our grand victories. Buddy, I see big things in your future.

Satan, signing off....

.

George, Oh, George...Dormais vous? Dormais vous?

What? What? Who is that? I thought I heard French?.

I'm your guide to the past and--this you'll like-- your future. Call me Mephistophilis.

Mephi...Mepher.... Say, that sounds foreign...Are you from one of those tinky 'coalition of the willing' countries? What do you want? An oil contract? We could get you good terms on a rebuild, maybe sub contracting to Bechtel?

No, George. We don't want a contract. Specifically, we're looking at your soul. But we'll get to that later.

So where are we Mephi, er... Mehpo...?

Just call me Murph. Ancient Carthage, George. Just after Rome kicked their teeth in.

Wow, will you look at the devestation. And what's with this armor and helmet stuff?

That's the way the conquerors dressed in the time of Rome. This is your antecedent, George, your past. I'm going to show you this, then your present, and finally I will reveal your future. Then, you have a decision to make.

Cool. Do I get to keep the helmet?

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

Oh no. More French ! Murph, get me out of here.

Calm down George, that's not French, that's latin. The gentleman speaking is Marcus Porcius Cato. He is saying, "And therefore I believe that Carthage must be destroyed." Everytime that Cato spoke before the Senate, no matter what the question was, he would always finish his  answer with, "And therefore I believe that Carthage must be destroyed." It was a very effective technique. Here is a typical exchange:

Why are so many reluctant to think the threat by Carthage is so real and imminent that we need war?

Carthage is a threat to Rome. It must be destroyed.

A lot of people think Rome is the bigger threat to peace - why?

Carthage is a threat to Rome. It must be destroyed.

How would you answer your critics who think this is a personal fixation, that this is about Scipio?

Carthage is a threat to Rome. It must be destroyed.

Why do so many not only disagree with you very strongly, but see Rome as an arrogant power?

Carthage is a threat to Rome. It must be destroyed.

Do you ever worry that this could lead to more violence, more anti-Roman sentiment, more instability in the Mediterranean region?

Carthage is a threat to Rome. It must be destroyed.

You know, Murph. Somehow, that sounds really familiar.